You Wanted Order? Welcome to Chaos: The Dangerous Fantasy of Tough-on-Kids Discipline

Another day, another viral video of a school fight. This time, it’s a substitute teacher — a Black woman — brawling with a teenage girl over a confiscated phone. If you haven’t seen it yet, the footage is everywhere: the student storms into the teacher’s space, demands her phone back, ignores warnings, and then swings on the adult. The teacher, clearly trying to defend herself (without the slightest bit of effort to deescalate) and avoid getting hit, punches the girl multiple time and pins the student down and yells for someone — anyone — to get a real teacher. (*The viral video link is at end of this blog entry.)

The internet, of course, has split itself right down the middle:

• Some are screaming, "That teacher should be arrested!"

• Others are yelling back, "She did what she had to do!"

Here’s the thing: both sides are missing the real story. This moment wasn’t created when that student swung. It wasn’t created when that teacher reacted. It was created by a system that abandons teachers long before fists start flying.

And if you think this viral video is just about two people losing their cool, think again. It's about how we set up schools to fail — and then act surprised when chaos breaks loose.

Be so for real: Substitute teachers (and paraprofessionals) are often sent into battle without armor.

They don’t get proper de-escalation training. They don’t know the students. The students know they don’t know them. And trust me, students — especially teenagers — know exactly how far they can push someone who looks like they have no backup. So let's also say the quiet part out loud: the substitute teacher in that viral video wasn't adulting. The student swung first but the teacher, bringing her arm up multiple times and pushing the student, is clearly take an aggressive, fight-like stance first. At no point do we see her use calm, de-escalating language. No verbal redirection. No non-threatening body language. No effort to buy time or cool the situation down. From the start, it’s clear she’s trained to square up—not trained to calm down. That is not what effective classroom management looks like. It’s what happens when people are dropped into volatile situations without the right preparation and with the wrong mindset.

Watch that video again, but this time with a cooler head. Substitutes and paraprofessionals are rarely trained properly on how to defuse real-world conflicts, especially with teenagers who are already used to seeing adults lose their cool. And when you don’t have good training, you fall back on instinct. And when instinct looks more like a UFC fight card than a classroom strategy? Everyone loses.

This is why adulting—real adulting—matters in schools. It’s why teachers (substitutes included) have to be trained not just to "stand their ground," but to lead the room with clarity and emotional distance. When adults escalate with students, it doesn’t show strength. It shows that nobody’s steering the ship. ON THE OTHER HAND...Kudos to the teacher for one important effort: She clearly had a phone in her hand, making an effort to call for reinforcement. Unfortunately, those of us in the know already understand reinforcement is not always available in urban schools.

This isn’t new. Benjamin Pashe, a full-time teacher I’ve worked with for years, talked about the exact same thing happening to him. He once confiscated a phone from a ninth grader — a boy much bigger than him — who then threatened, “I’m boutta rip this door off the hinges if you don’t give me my phone back.” Pashe stood his ground, but here's the kicker: he called for help and got nothing." "I contacted admin and got no response," he said. "It was 25 minutes before anyone even answered me."

Twenty-five minutes. In the meantime? He was left alone to "de-escalate" a student ready to explode.

That’s what people aren’t seeing when they watch these viral fights.

It’s not just a student being wild. It’s a system where teachers (especially subs and temps) are sent into hostile situations without training, without support, and without a real plan for what happens when a kid doesn’t back down. And newsflash: some kids aren't going to back down just because you asked nicely.

Now, for those of you who think the kids in these videos are evil, let’s be crystal clear: Taking a hardline Trump-style "just crack down harder" approach won’t fix this either. It will likely make everything MUCH WORSE.

Bringing back Trunchbull-level discipline — shoutout to Matilda (and also shout out to the National Symphony Orchestra because I just saw Danny Devito's production live yesterday!)— isn't going to magically restore order. In fact, it will almost definitely make things worse. Schools today are not 1950s sitcoms. Students don't fear adults just because they're adults. They question authority, they record everything, and if you treat them like enemies, they will respond in kind. You think there are viral videos now? Wait until teachers are encouraged to "physically discipline" kids. It’ll be TikTok courtrooms every afternoon.

So what do we actually need?

Real training. For everyone. Substitutes, paraprofessionals, and full-time staff need consistent, realistic de-escalation training that includes what to do when the talking stops working. We also need real-time support — not a climate manager who shows up 30 minutes later. And most importantly, clear boundaries that honor both compassion and authority — not either/or.

And while we’re at it, we need to stop villainizing students. Many are walking into classrooms carrying stress and survival instincts that they have learned from dysregulated adults. (Yes, they learned to behave this way from US). They are carrying stress most overwrought adults these days would buckle under. They’re not the enemy. They’re kids trying to manage. Imagine being fifteen years old and already feeling like the world has written you off—and then being told to calmly hand over your phone, your pride, your control, without so much as a second thought. If we want better outcomes, we have to see students clearly—not as problems to be fixed, but as human beings fighting battles most of us can barely imagine. And we have to build schools that are wise enough and compassionate enough to meet them where they are. And finally, to the administrators in the room, you can talk all day about trauma, policies, or TikTok clout, but if you leave teachers alone to break up fights over phones, don’t act shocked when someone ends up on the six o’clock news. As a professor of human development and educator, trainer, and consultant specializing in trauma-informed and equity-centered discipline practices, I’ve spent years helping schools work through exactly these kinds of challenges. I work with teachers, substitutes, and support staff to build the skills they need to de-escalate conflict, maintain authority without aggression, and protect both their dignity and their students’ humanity. I’m hired by schools that know the stakes are too high to leave classroom management to guesswork—and that preventing viral moments like the one you’re about to see isn’t about getting tougher, it’s about getting smarter. What happened in this video isn’t inevitable. It’s preventable—with the right training and real support. The Viral Video: https://www.facebook.com/reel/3489598024682021